How many penalties did Mark Tauscher have last night? Like 13? He would come to the line, get set, see Julius Peppers breathing fire across from him, fart blood into his lycra Packer tights and jump back nine feet.
And then they'd blow the whistle and say "false start" and he'd look around and say "on who?"
On you, dick. Again.
In the words of Jon Stewart, Mark Tauscher, meet me at camera five.
Hey Bro, Lord Castleton here. I don't care what you need to do to get yourself pumped up for the game. Take a few shots. Sniff Charles Woodson's jockstrap. Whatever. But you can't play scared. You gotta go out there and be ready to take a merciless beating from a fucking huge black dude. I know it's not easy. Ohhh boy, do I know that. I know it first hand.
What's that? You don't think I know what I'm talking about?
Uh, yeah I do.
Here's me, well my leg, anyway, after getting F'd by Terry Tate, Office Linebacker. Now granted, I gave as good as I got, but Triple T came out on top. By a hair. You'll recognize me in the role of "Richard", who forgot that I needed a cover sheet on my TPS report. I think we can all agree that it's more or less about as good as Marlon Brando's performance in "On the Waterfront".
If you've never seen the video, fucking enjoy. It's a classic.