Entries in detroit lions 2011 (3)
People are talking about Ndamukong Suh, and it's pissing us off.
No, he's not fucking dirty.
And when Ndamukong Suh hits you, you stay hit. And when he hits you, your mother coughs up blood. And when he hits you, the Red Cross gets more money through donations because no one likes to see suffering.
But don't listen to us. We're passionate and stubborn, like Sofia Vergara.
But don't listen to Sofi Vergara, either. She's as devil-may-care as we are.
We need someone of pure impartiality. Someone with nerves of stone. Someone with a rock solid reputation and a million dollar arm. Someone so cool, he was named after Steve McQueen. Someone known for his tight lip and the ability to stay rooted. Literally, rooted into the ground like he can't move.
Where would we ever find such a bastion of awesomeness? Someone who's opinion we'd never question? Someone who embodies all of the best features of the human race?
Obviously, I'm talking about Drew Bledsoe.
Drew McQueen Bledsoe.
Seriously, that's his name. Because he's an ass kicker.
Um, excuse us, Mr. Bledsoe?
Is that you Heineken? I told you, I'm not doing your most interesting man in the world commercials. Not now, not ever.
No, sir. It's us, the losers from UGLY FOURS.
Oh, come in, come in. Your site is among my top 2649 websites.
Oh! 2649? So, we're number...
Oh! We'll take it, Mr. Bledsoe, sir. Out of curiosity...what site is 2648?
Okay, okay. We can respect that.
How may I help you today? Have you come to sample some of my wine?
Oh, we're not worthy.
Of course you aren't! But try some anyway!
Oh, dear god that's good.
Of course it is. It's grown with 40% Montana sunlight and 60% me smiling at it.
Thank you Mr. Bledsoe, thank you.
Call me Drew.
Never. We could never do that. You are a god. We are fucking scum.
Yes, you are, but you can call me Drew anyway. Just not in front of other people, obviously.
What brings you to my humble, yet aesthetically perfect presence today?
We need a ruling. People are shitting all over our boy Ndamukong Suh, and we're pissed off about it.
How can I help?
We need you to tell us if he's a dirty player or not. Obviously, people are divided, but if you weigh in, everyone in the world will accept it as law.
That is true.
So, what do you think? Is Ndamakong Suh a dirty player?
No, he isn't. Not even a little.
Fuck yeah! We knew it, and so did Sofia Vergara.
Of course she did. Her type of hotness is superceded only by my wife.
Wow. You're the best, Drew Bledsoe. Can we hang for a while?
No, now you must leave, before the grapes spoil from your presence.
Okay. Can you tell us any of the secrets of the universe?
I could, but I'm not going to. Now then, on your way.
Thank you, Drew Bledsoe. You are the smartest and fairest of them all.
Thank you, and remember, if we see each other in public, I don't know you.
Yes, sir. Of course of course.
There you have it, folks.
If the great Drew Bledsoe says it, then it's a fact, and all the haters can shut the fuck up. It may not be the word of god, but it's the next best thing.