The NFL proves it: Losers can be winners

Not in the face!All it took was four quarters for Raincloud Jesus to snuff out the playoff hopes of the people of St. Loius. The 7-9 Seahawks become the first division winner with a losing record in NFL history.

Meanwhile the 10-6 Giants and the 10-6 Bucs (the Bucs!) get to go sit on an egg and hope it hatches better luck for them next year.

I can smell that Prell from here, fellah.But what did Seattle really win?

Maybe some money as the division win likely triggered some remuneration clauses for coaches and players. And they get to HOST the defending world champions in what's absolutely going to be the guaranteed ass-pumping of the year. The Saints are going to run in and out of the center of Seattle's asshole like tigers through a hoop in Vegas, and there's absolutely nothing Seattle can do about it.

And before everyone starts patting The False Messiah on the back, let me just say this: Watching Charlie Whitehurst play the position of quarterback is like listening to English spoken by a foreigner.  Yes, it may mostly do its job, but there's something inherently off about it.

So yes, Raincloud Jesus did, in fact, win. But he looks awful.  He's not an NFL quarterback, and should just be thrilled to take a vast paycheck for holding a clipboard every season and hoping the guy in front of him stays healthy.  Because although his stats say he put together a decent game, he's not a player.  Sorry to say it. Keep trading on those locks, Chuck.  Men with significantly lesser hair have had outstanding careers as long-time backups.  You can, too.

Meanwhile, the Rams get the 8th overall pick in the draft, can go into the offseason with their heads high, and come back next year with a healthy Donnie Avery and Mark Clayton, an improved defense, and a year under the belt of Sam Bradford, who looked like he could use a break after a great first season.

So, I ask again, who really won?

Is that...the Prince of Persia?

Nope, it's just Charlie Whitehurst.

Here's a prediction you can take to the bank this year.  Matt Hasslebeck is going to miss five games getting a walker and a hip replacement.  Charlie Whitehurst is going to start those games, and he'll be passable, but the Hawks are going to suck and he'll be 1-4.

I was a little surprised when I saw that Charlie Whitehurst has a whole alternative vibe going on.  I like my QB's predictable.  Is that childish?  I can count on that.  Maybe I'm simple, but I want my players to think about one thing:  football.

That's why Charlie Whitehurst will never grace the roster of my team.  He looks like he has more to live for than football.  A quick google search shows him dating models and being fashionable and basically taking his cat stevens looking ass on a goddamn personal roadshow.

No, Charlie Whitehurst.  No.  Not on my fucking watch.  Clean it up, mister.