Unforeseen press box mishap causes announcers to age by 10 years in seconds

"I had a full head of hair when I came in here." said Brian Billick. 

In a strange turn of events, guys that used to look like guys I might have trouble arm wrestling now look like guys that might break a hip if I sneezed near them.

"The hell we do!" said Howie Long.  "Incidentally, where's my cane?"

It started with the lockout and ended with these three erstwhile gentlemen of the gridiron passing wind together in what appeared to be a who-can-go-the-longest-without-Grecian-Formula competition.

"Eh?  Whaddya say?" said Brian Billick.

"I think he said something about an expedition." said Howie Long.  "By the way, who the hell is this between us?"

"I have no idea."

"I'm Thom Brenneman." said Thom Brenneman.

"Eh? Whaddid he say?"

"Says his name is Don Benjamin." said Howie Long.

"Oh!  I once had Johnny Cakes and Sarsparilla with a Phil Benjamin." Said Billick.

"Mmmm.  Johnny Cakes.  They don't make 'em like they used to." Said Howie Long.

"There sure don't" agreed Billick.

"I'm Thom Brennaman!"  yelled Thom Brennaman.

"Hey pipe down, Don!  We're not deaf!" said Billick.

"Yeah, cool it, Don, we've got a job to do here!"  Said Howie Long.  "Although, for the life of me, I can't remember what it is."

That's how most of the broadcast went.  No thanks to Don Benjamin, who looked like he was lost in a pleasant but lengthy flatulation the whole time.

Long used to tear people's heads off for a living.  So did Billick, figuratively.

Enjoy your youth while you have it folks.  Blink, and it's gone.

Brian Billick broken-hearted as Jim Mora ponders return to coaching

It was magical for a while.

That's what Brian Billick kept mumbling in the corner of his padded cell.

It was magical for a while.

Billick, the super bowl winning, former coach of the Ravens was taken ill when he found out that his co-host of NFL Networks's "The Coaches Show" was looking like he was going to be the new defensive coordinator in Denver.

"It was like his legs came out from under him" said his wife, Kim.  "He just really loved being with Jim.  It was a little bizarre, to be honest."

Billick admitted that Mora was like the son he never had.

"I used to sit across from that wonderful man and talk about football.  Football.  Like equals. But he's just a sweet young kid, you know?  I mean, I'm just an old dog with too much wear on the tires and he looks like he stepped out of an Ivory Soap commercial. Come on!  Have you even seen his skin?  It's flawless. Flawless..."

He is cuter than the average bear

And then Billick turned back to the corner and sighed.  We asked if he was a danger to anyone and the hospital assured us he wasn't, but that we should make sure we had kleenex and a pack of bon bons wherever we took him because "playa was gonna sob it out."

But Billick was tougher than they thought.  As soon as we had him in the trunk he snapped right out of missing Jim Mora and started screaming.

"Get me out of this trunk you motherfucker!" He yelled.  "I'll tear you apart with my bare hands!"

So we let him out of the trunk and told him he could sit up front if he behaved.  He agreed, but did punch us really hard in the stomach anyway, causing us to piss blood an hour later.

Not missing Jimmy so much when you're in a trunk, are ya, Coach?

That was a good plan.  I have to admit.  I think some chocolate melted back there.  I got some on my coat.

That's dog shit.  So honestly, what's going on here?

I just love the guy, you know?  He looks like a little elf. He's polite.  He's sweet hearted.  I know what coaching's all about.  Hell I coached a team to a blowout win in a super bowl.  You know how many bodies I had to hide to do that?  How many people you have to fuck over? Coaching is hell.  Hell.

He's done it before.

Yeah, but not with this kind of pressure.  And not in Denver, which is currently being held hostage by someone with as much experience running a team as Sandra Bullock. 

She looks great, though, right?

I know!  It's like she doesn't age.  I was so happy that she won person of the year or whatever.  Fuck Jesse Jackson or whatever the hell that shithead's name is.

I agree.  Though there were these creepy rumors about her and some video where she's doing some kinky shit with a shotgun or Nazi something...

Don't believe it.  They've already said that was a hoax.  You shouldn't believe everything you read on the internet.  There are losers who make shit up every day.  Every single day.  They just make ridiculous shit up out of the blue.  Complete losers.

Anyway, how come you call Jim Mora Jim Mora instead of Jim Mora Jr.?

He's not really a junior.  His dad is Jim Earnest Mora and he's Jim Lawrence Mora.  It has to be the same to be a junior.  People are stupid.

Is Jim Mora stupid?  The son, I mean.

No!  He's smart, really really smart, but Mora doesn't need this.  He's a nice kid.  He doesn't need this kind of stress.  We can just sit together in our nice air-conditioned studio and get paid to talk.  That's nice, right?

Easy for you to say.  You have a ring.  Let him make his own mistakes.

I know, I know.  I don't want to stand in anyone's way.  Hell, my own father tried to stop me from coaching and I hit him sixty-two times in the face with a cast iron pan.  Lost eleven teeth and stayed in the hospital for three months.  But he never said boo to me again.  That's how I handle people who try to fuck with me.

You did?

No, no.  God no.  But I used to tell everyone that and they'd go 'shit, this motherfucker is crazy'.  How else do you think a bony white kid like me keeps a bunch of thugs and gangsters in line?  Have you seen the Ravens roster?  It's like death row.  These guys will cut you if you're not careful.  So you lie your ass off. That's how you keep them in line.  And trust me, Jim Mora has never told a lie in his life.  He's a goddamn eagle scout.

You know that if you love him, you're gonna have to let him go, right?

I know.  I know.

And you know this is basically a done deal, right?

Yeah. I guess I saw it coming for a while, now.

You're a good dude, Coach.  We like what you're trying to do, even if you're being a giant baby about it.

Thanks.

(Billick sits still for a minute, biting a quivering lip and chuckling softly as he wipes tears from his eyes.)

Is this the toughest moment of your life?

Second toughest.

Was the toughest when you got fired?

No, no.

What was it, then?

Nothing.  Something else.  It's not important.

We think we know.  Was it something your wife did?

(Billick is surprised)  Yeah, actually.

Was it something that signified the end of your coaching career?

Yes.  Yes it was.

Was it...the spread she agreed to in Baltimore Magazine.net?

Yes!  Well not the spread itself, but-

But she made you sit for a picture with your two dogs and you tried to protest, but it was too late, because now everyone would see that you own two giant poodles, the lamest dog breed in the whole world, and after that no one would ever believe that you hit your father with a frying pan?

Or that I was the one that killed Jimmy Hoffa.  Or that I once beat Astronaut Story Musgrave in an arm wrestling match.  Or that I dragged a Venezuelan runaway into the Potomac and drowned her there because she spilled Sanka on my shag carpet.

Sanka?  

Yeah, on my shag carpet.

That was an old lie?

Yeah that was the first one.  Worked like a charm.  Everyone was like, 'Sanka smells so bad!  I woulda drowned her too!'

But all that is gone now.

Because I own poodles.  Oh, Kim.  She meant well, but she had no idea what she was doing to my career.

Well here we are.  Sorry about the dog shit on your coat.  You should let the poodles smell it and maybe they'll treat you like the Alpha for once.

That's not a bad idea, actually.  Hey, man.  You want to come in for a spot of Jasmine tea?  

I'm good.  You take care, coach.

You too!  Keep being fucking awesome, Lord Castleton!

You too, Coach.  You too.

Lord Castleton once killed a runaway in the Potomac, but it was a runaway squirrel and it was in the bathtub. But when Billick said that, it made Lord Castleton scared for a second becuase he thought "Is Billick fucking with me?"  But then Lord Castleton snapped out of it, becuase if there's one thing Lord Castleton makes sure of when he drops plastic squirrels into his tub: ain't no witnesses.

You can ask him about his many other crimes at info@uglyfours.com.