Entries in arian foster (10)
Houston Texans all-pro running back Arian Foster has decided that he's a vegan.
I know that tends to mean that a person abstains from the use of all animal-based products, but I wanted to look it up to make sure:
Vegan: someone who wears a beret, dates girls with armpit hair and calls the cable company to see if they can have comedy central removed from their channel lineup.
Oh damn baby! I dig a girl with a little bush. ON HER BUSH.
I don't want to come off as a redneck here. Just because a gal grows a pair of koala bears under her shoulders it doesn't mean you get to drive into her with your car.
Because times, they are a-changin'. And if the best running back in the NFL says he's going vegan, then by god maybe it's time for us all to accept vegans into the mainstream.
We can embrace them. We can welcome them. Hell, we can even admire their self discipline and improved lifespan.
But we can't, under any circumstances, DRAFT THEM ONTO OUR FANTASY TEAMS.
Because an elite 21st century athlete playing a get-hit-on-every-play position needs more protein than you can get from a hand-shaped ceramic bowl full of garbanzo beans or a butterfly thimble of alfalfa sprouts. You tell me that Arian Foster will be a vegetarian and wolf down cans of tuna all day? I'm fine with that. But vegan? No fish? No fucking way.
Incidentally, this isn't a new concept. An extinct human relative, Paranthropus boisei, subsisted on non-animal products.
Aaaaand they're fucking extinct.
So, I'm not saying that Arian Foster isn't a visionary. A renaissance man. A poet. A philanthropist. A lover of life.
I'm just saying that somewhere, Ben Tate is laughing his ass off and ordering a year's supply of Omaha Steaks.
Because no NFL player can live on stalks of celery and hope to succeed.
Even someone as awesome as Arian Foster.
We love when good things happen to good people.
Congrats on your big contract, Arian Foster. You're a masher.
How the hell are we already through seven weeks of the season?
My life seems to be flying by at a rapidly increasing rate. This is disconcerting.
But at least I'm not Jason Campbell (see: Book of Job).You deserve better, JC (not you, Jesus. You're just a dicktease. We've had more almost-Raptures this year than USC sorority girls give collective blue-balls in a single semester).
Quick disclaimer, before we get to this week's business: if you watched either the Seattle/Cleveland matchup, or Monday Night Football's Baltimore/LA Jaguars turdfest...I don't know how else to say it: I'm so, so sorry. On one hand, we get stunning performances by the likes of New Orleans and Green Bay. On the other, some of the worst football (or sports, or fucking, whatever) I've ever seen.
On the brightside, the NBA season is minutes away from being cancelled, and I couldn't be more excited. Love the NBA? Read another column.
What We Know
The Washington Redskins will start, at the most, four of their original starting eleven offensive players next week. They have lost five starters - two for the year - in the past two weeks. Last week's starting QB is spending the next 48 hours in the hospital for pneumonia. Professional analysis: it's gon' rain.