After hearing the first interview with newly acquired wide receiver Anthony Gonzalez, it struck me that he's going to fit in very well as a Patriot. He's already got all the basics down.
- Sounds boring
- Doesn't answer questions
- Gives an interview where zero information is conveyed
- Has the personality of a plain bagel
- Seems moderately irritated by the media
But if anything can be garnered from the interview, it's that this former Colt calls the Patriots "The best organization on the planet."
Take that, Colts Fans, you bunch of sister-fuckers.
And, according to this article, the Colts talked shit about the Patriots.
So, what did the Colts say about the Patriots?
Oh, you know. The regular stuff.
Like, you know, Tom Brady is an egomaniac and his wife is a mean-spirited whore. Stuff like that.
Oh yeah? What else?
I'm not saying any of this is true, by the way. I'm just saying this is what they told me.
Totally. Totally get it. What else?
Oh, I don't know. That Logan Mankins is basically a hayseed felon who destroys property every week and the local cops look the other way.
Yeah, like he drinks moonshine and then lights houses and cars and buildings on fire and stuff.
So he's an arsonist?
Neat. What else?
Little shit. You know. Like the Patriots cheat all the time and Gronk is on steroids-
Wait, Gronk is on steroids?
Yeah, you haven't heard that one? That Gronk's parents started giving him and his brothers steroids when they were six months old and that's why it's untraceable in their bodies, but that they're all roid gorillas.
I hadn't heard that.
Yeah, lots of people think it. How else could one guy be so strong, fast and big? You get two of those, not three.
Anything else the Colts said?
I mean, yeah, there's a ton of stuff, but I've probably said too much anyway.
Come on. Couple more?
Um, okay. Well, I heard that Brandon Spikes is a murderer, and that Zoltan Mesko is a KGB agent and that Devin McCourty and his twin brother switch teams every season and no one knows it, Patrick Chung owns a chop shop, Ryan Mallet is addicted to E, Matt Patricia dances bottomless at a men's club for bears, Wes Welker is a pedophile and that Aaron Hernandez deals weed.
Yeah, I know! Pretty crazy, but so far none of it is true. Everyone has been super friendly. I feel like the Colts lied to me and I'm looking forward to, y'know, fucking them in the ass when we play them.
Well, welcome to New England and best of luck making the team! You'll have a lot of success if you try not to be such a gimp all the time.
You got it. Thanks for having me.