Source: NFL.com

CLICK ON THE IMAGE TO ENLARGE

Awesome.

They both used to belong.

They both were faced with a very big decision.

They both made the wrong choice.

They both suffer, every day.

They are both tortured souls.

They both were trained in the presence of greatness.

They were both entrusted with leadership.

They both chose to fight their mentor.

They both betrayed their mentor.

They were both stripped of rank and relieved.

They're both good guys, at heart.

They were both unprepared for the mantle of leadership.

Eric Mangini is Theon Greyjoy.

Oops I crapped my pants...with pleasure.

Thanks Tony!  I'm totally a guy that "leaks a little."  

Whaaaaaaaat?

"I've known Tyrann Mathieu for a long ass time and I'll tell you what: he's ready to totally be a professional player of like, sports.

Some people want to keep guys like Honey Badger and me down just because we like to get high all the time, but that's just racist.  Oh man, I'm so high right now.  I don't even know where I am.

What was I saying?  Oh yeah. Vote for Tyrann Mathieu for president or whatever.  He totally won't use the money you give him to get high."

-Towelie

They were both overlooked.

They were both attacked.

They were both maligned.

They were both discounted.

They were both thought to be weaker than their peers.

They both proved everyone wrong.

They're cool under pressure.

They both have unflappable codes.

They both have special abilities.

They're both short.

They're both pretty.

They're both in charge of powerful armies.

They're both still overlooked.

They're both still not nearly feared enough.

They both have three mighty dragons.

I don't exactly remember when I stopped liking anything Nike altogether but it must have been some time during the 90's.  Before that I was still loving the "Just Do It" stuff and rooting for a mullet-headed Andre Aggassi.

But those innocent days are loooong gone.

Now, I just can't stand anything they do.

I tried to be impartial about the Jags uni rollout.  Just sit back and take it in.  Don't pre-judge.  Just let your eyes make the call.

And then my eyes threw up.

I don't know what I like less, the USFL-y feel of the colors, the XFL feel of the design, the TRON font or the fact that I know that I'm going to see so many asses through those see-through-when-they-sweat assless chaps.

Or the goddamn horse collars.  Don't even get me going on that.

I guess somebody, somewhere put a lot of hard work into this look.  Someone who has kids and a mortgage and feelings and hopes and dreams.

Well, I only have one thing to say to that person:

You bobbled the ball, dude.  And I feel badly for you.

Because we all know these COULDN'T have been what the designers dreamed about.  This wasn't the one they stayed up at night getting excited about.

These are the ones that made it through small, marketing test groups of Jaguars fans.

Stupid Jaguars fans, apparently.  

That's because we're often forced to design for the lowest common denominator.  I'm not going to buy a Jags jersey, after all.

These perennially abused fans are.

It's the same reason we get like three good movies a year.

It's the same reason why NCIS isn't just on the air, but is the #1 show on TV.

It's the same reason why Maroon 5 exists.

It's the same reason why Reality TV has ousted scripted content.

Because everything in modern society has to pass through the idiot filter, and the minority of people with a sense of history and some basic elements of style and even the slightest modicum of wit have to sit back and suck it.

And groan.  There's actually quite a bit of groaning.

Oh well, people with eyes, I guess we're going to have to suffer through this abortion.

And lest it seems like I'm picking on the poor simple idiots of Jacksonville, here's one of the greatest football moments you'll ever see, courtesy of a Jags fan who will likely be purchasing a new Jags Nike uni.

Conventional: We have exactly ONE top tier, game changing, elite player.  Let's hold onto him with both hands.  Let's pay him what he's worth.  Let's keep him happy.  Let's build our team around him at all costs.  Let's thank our lucky stars that our defense is competitive year in and year out because of this guy.  Let's be grateful that despite our many notable draft misses we have a bird in the hand and he's not just a pro-bowl player, he's the best player at his position in the league and a perennial All-Pro.

Jets: Y'know what?  Fuck that guy.  We'll take the picks.  It's not like we'll screw those up.

I've said it for a long long long time.  Jets fans: don't just take this bullshit.  You can go back in 2014, but for the next season, just do yourself a favor and PICK ANOTHER TEAM.

They're both nice guys.

They're both kinda slow.

They're both as big as an Amish barn.

They both spend a lot of time outside.

They're both heavily relied on by their team.

They both have country strength.

They both have a lost, wondering expression.

They both mean well.

They both stick with their people, even if that isn't the best thing for them.

They both have held pig skins.

They both (presumably) have giant moose-dicks.

They both are able to say exactly one word.

Kenny Britt is Hodor.

They're hated.

They're willful.

They're lousy with people.

They win.  Constantly.

Their enemies despise them. 

They look upon their enemies with contempt and disdain.

They have bad hair.

They wear what they want.

They have lots of gold.

They have lots of rings.

They're rich.

They're cold.

They followed their father into the family business.

They begrudgingly invited their children into the family business.

They never, ever talk about their wives at work.

They use money to control people.

They're level headed.

They're sore losers.

They have horrible tempers.

They stew.

Their subordinates hold them in god-like standing.

Their subordinates are terrified of them.

Their subordinates are artificially inflated by association with them.

They have a history of willfully slaughtering their enemies.

They don't care of you resent them.

The mention of either one stirs great emotion.

They each love one special, golden boy.

They are the commanders of a strong line of heady tradition.

They both worship at the altar of total preparation.

They're unorthodox on the battlefield.

They're committed to victory at all costs.

They only care about one thing and they don't give a shit about anything else.

Bill Belichick is Tywin Lannister.

Boy, this is something I never thought I'd see.  I actually got misty when I saw it.

Awesome.  Just awesome in every way.

Some of you know that we're in the Boston area, needless to say, we appreciate all the kind emails and words of support.  We escaped unscathed, and today we mourn for our neighbors and friends who weren't so lucky.

If there's one thing Massholes are great at, it's being pissed.  And we're more pissed than ever.

Let's hope the authorities get to the bottom of this soon, and in the meantime, let's not jump to any conclusions, let's not make assumptions about people of different nationalities or races and let's not live in fear.

That being said...

Whoever you are, wherever you are, whoever did this: we're gonna nail your ass.

You fucked with the wrong town, asshole.

This was an absolute classic when Madden 2007 came out and Redskins long snapper Ethan Albright received the lowest rating in the game: 53.

If you forgot it, or missed it, it's worth a re-read.

To: John Madden
CC: Electronic Arts Sports
From: Ethan Albright
Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden ‘07

Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I’ll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is fucking bullshit and you should kiss my mother-fucking ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.

You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a fucking 12. I rate you a fucking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever… except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom.

It’s also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shit and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. Fuck, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod “He Hate Me” Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of shit teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?

I guess I just can’t fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. Fuck, man, there are some shitty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.

I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don’t crash through a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 pounds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he’d look just like Jabba the Hut.

John, you are such a fucking dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a fucking zero? So you feel that I shouldn’t even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn’t even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my fucking face. Fuck that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a – 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.

Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). Fuck me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let’s see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I’m at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.

I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I’m a fucking lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass fuckwad that can’t fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man.

Fuck you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you fuck with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.

Rot in Hell,

Ethan Albright

It's the offseason, and that means that we have nothing to talk about.

So everyone is talking about gay dudes.  In the locker room.

And the rest of us sit here with baited breath to find out: Who will be the first gay NFL player through the door???!!!

Which team is going to have a gay dude on it?  It's utterly breathtaking!

Except it's not.  

Because, if you know anything about anything, EVERY TEAM HAS A GAY DUDE ON IT.

One in four, maybe more, people.  On a training camp roster of 80?  No way any of those 2560 players are gay!  Perish the thought!

The big deal about a homosexual "coming out" to everyone while still on a NFL roster is because it represents the confluence of modern values and the type of old-school male consciousness that has long run the NFL.

Because football is war.

And to win a war you need an army that's all on the same page, full of testosterone and rage and toughness.

So, how could you have a team with a "fairy" on it?  How could that possibly work?

Because it has.  Because as long as the NFL has been around, as long as ANY sport has been around, there have been gay guys playing.

I know it's tough for some people to grasp.  I mean, it's violent physical conflict!  It would be like having a navy full of gay sailers for christs sake!

Oh. 

I mean, it would be like having gay soldiers in the army!  How could a soldier possibly eliminate a male enemy if he was gay?  He'd be like "oh I love that enemy's beard.  I'm so attracted to him.  I can't shelve this gayness long enough to pull the trigger.  I don't know if I should shoot him or pluck his unibrow and take him to a Thunder From Down Under concert?  Oh, the gay!  The gay!"

Come the fuck on.

And people are suddenly painting this like gay guys on an NFL roster are a new thing.  They're a spring fashion.  They're a fad.  Everyone's doing it!

But if you believe in the principles of basic math, they've been there as long as football has.  So have gay announcers and gay coaches and gay water boys (okay, that one's easy to believe).  It's just high time we all accepted it.

While no active NFL players have ever been openly gay, current NFL players Brendon Ayanbadejo, Chris Kluwe, Conner Barwin, Scott Fujita, Eric Winston, Alex Mack, Chris Gocong and D'Qwell Jackson have been vocal about their support for an equality agenda.  It's a signal about the climate of accptance among players, where the unified ostracism of a gay player by teammates might have previously prevented a player from coming out.

Whether they should or not is a complicated topic, because, as evolved as we may be, it would likely mess up the locker room a little.  It shouldn't, but the sad reality is that it probably would.

And whoever came out would have to carry that subtitle around for the rest of his life.  "The NFL's first openly gay player."  That burden alone might make a player shy away from it.

Still, I can't imagine that in 2013 people still think that gayness is everywhere BUT the NFL.

It's there.

But let's get back to the stats which should remain at the forefront of any NFL conversation.

How many passes does he catch?  How many tackles does he make?  How many yards does he gain after contact?  How many passes does he swat?  How many dudes does he pancake? (okay, that one was a little bit euphamistic...)  That's all we should really care about.

Sure, an active NFL player "coming out" would be an indication of progress, but the real measure of progress is when we, as fans, genuinely don't care at all about a player's sexual preference at all.  

Click on photo to enlarge

Where the hell is Belichick?

That was my first thought.  

Then I thought, good lord, he's a douche, but I love him.  

It's always something with Belichick, isn't it?  It's never just easy.  I can only imagine the beef he's cooking up to avoid this photo shoot.  Then again, maybe it's why all the other coaches actually look like they're having a good time.  Because Belichick isn't there to frown-and-mumble them to death.

And then I noticed no Sean Payton, either, and the reason isn't as nefarious as we'd like to believe.  This photo was taken at the NFL winter meetings in Arizona a few days ago and it features members of the NFL Coaching Union.

...of which Belichick and Payton aren't members, probably owing to their position on the Parcels "why the fuck would I ever do that?" coaching tree.

Anyway, here are the weeners in the photo:

1. John Harbaugh, Baltimore Ravens: Happy to rock your grandpa's style, there's a pretty goddamn big smile above that hip-length square-cut.  What the fuck is he so happy about?  I've blocked out everything after last year's AFC Championship game.  And before it.  What ended up happening?  In short, go jump in an acid lake, John Harbaugh.

2. Mike McCarthy, Green Bay Packers: I fully expected Rex to look like the biggest guy here, (even post staple surgery) but McCarthy looks like he's wearing a tarp for the Goodyear blimp.  The nice tarp they use for special occasions.  He could Sumo Andy Reid straight up.

3. Cool Dad, Seattle Seahawks: Who I still hold a bit of a grudge against for coaching the Patriots and then admitting, many years later, that he wasn't ready.  He sure looks ready now.  He's schooling some of these veteran coaches.  Nuts that he's standing in front of Jim Harbaugh, though.  I hope the next photo was him turning around and cold cocking that penis.

4. Jim Harbaugh, San Francisco Dickweasels: I just can't bring myself to say anything good about the Niners.  I fucking hate this team, and I hate this coach.  He looks like he's kinda goofing around and not quite in sync with everyone else.  Fucking free radical.  Be a human, you dick.

5. Chip Kelly, Philadelphia Eagles:  That felt strange to type that, like when you have to write the new year on your checks.   Chip looks like the only coach not actually happy to be there.  What's with the constipation face?  It's a absolute certainty that Chip Kelly is pinching back diarrhea in this photo.

6. Mike Munchak, Tennessee Titans: As I typed that team name I had the overwhelming sense of not giving a shit.  Can you name an electric player on either side of the ball?  Jake Locker?  Chris Johnson?  Kenny Brittle? This is a complete pile of garbage.  Tough to root against Mike Munchak, though.  

7. Dennis Allen, Oakland Reindeers: Before last season all I heard was that Dennis Allen was "the real deal" and that "he was a young Belichick in the making".  Um, yeeeah.  You didn't show me shit, string bean.  Have another at-bat.  I'll give Reggie McKenzie the benefit of the doubt, but Matt Flynn better not be the Northern California Ryan Fitzpatrick.

8. Joe Philbin, Miami Dolphins: For a guy that looks like a mild-mannered proctologist, he delivered last season.  Is Jeff Ireland actually building a team?  Could it be possible?  Watching Hard Knocks last year you really got the sense that Philbin was too awkward to have a real dialogue with his players, but so far, he seems to know what he's doing.  It's amazing how much shit a promising, square-jawed, handsome, white quarterback can wash away.

9. Leslie Frazier, Minnesota Vikings:  People seem to love Leslie Frazier.  I've always despised him for fucking with my fantasy teams and playing Percy Harvin like 4 snaps a game.  Maybe he'll feel more in control with that demon-seed on Cool Dad's roster.  I am sure of one thing: He bought that padded-shoulder blazer from an M.C. Hammer bankruptcy auction.  Hammer Time!

10. Gus Bradley, Jacksonville Jaguars: Who?  Who the fuck are you dude?  This guy is like an episode of the Californians.  What are yooooo dooooing here?  Bradley is just the next sacrificial lamb to be disemboweled on the Jaguar altar of shame.  Until this team moves to London, they're gonna suck. They make the Titans look stacked.  Next!

11. Andy Reid, Kansas City Chiefs: Goddamn I love Andy Reid.  Go fuck yourselves, Eagles fans, you miserable batch of cow semen.  You had Andy Reid and you let him get away and now he's rocking the shit out of his Tommy Bahama shirts for the people of Kansas City.  Wherever the hell that is.  The point is that instead of a total stud, you have a coach with no NFL experience who is biting his tongue to stop from bathing Mike Munchak's penny loafers in liquid poo.  YOU DESERVE THIS, SCUMBAGS OF PHILADELPHIA.  YOU DESERVE TO BE SAD ALL THE TIME.

12. Bruce Arians, Arizona Cardinals: BA.  The man who saved the Colts.  On our Ugly Fours PodCrash, Archibald rightly pointed out that "Bruce Arians" is the ultimate superhero cover name, and that wherever Bruce Arians gets a job, crime is likely to drop by 40%.  You know what else is going to drop by 40%?  The amount of coaching wins Bruce Arians enjoyed last year.

13. Mike McCoy, San Diego Super Abortions: Mike McCoy finally gets a shot at the big league and he's already fucking it up.  I cannot say this any louder.  I cannot yell this with greater tenacity: PHILIP RIVERS IS WASHED UP.  You cannot play with him.  You cannot win with him.  Can't do it.  His arm is shot.  You need to begin retooling NOW.  Remember when Jake Delhomme fell off?  No?  You will when you see Philip Rivers throw games away this season.  The Bolts won't contend for a decade.  Dark, dark days are coming.

14. Rob Chudzinski, Grieveland Browns: Neck and neck with Doug Marrone for "nobody gives a fuck hire of the year."  The man who admitted that in his days as a rabid Browns fan, he ingested dog treats.  He is clearly the chosen one, and by that I mean just the next dude to be fired from the Browns in a couple of years.  Jimmy Haslam?  Business as usual.

15. Greg Schiano, Tampa Bay Buccaneers: I love this Alfred E. Neuman looking bastard.  I like to think that just before snapshot, he was getting picked on by Tom Coughlin.  "Watch out for that dumb bastard over there!" Coughlin would yell.  "He's a goddamn wheezing, unorthodox cheap shot artist!" Oh coach! Schiano would laugh, I'm building the best secondary in the league.  You still think I'm going for the knees, but I promise: I'm going for the ball.  If it comes together: Dashon Goldson, Darelle Revis, Eric Wright, Ronde Barber, Mark Barron.  That's tough to throw on.

16. Mike Tomlin, Pittsburgh Steelers:  Finally!  Some color up in this bitch!  That's what I thought until I realized that I already did Leslie Frazier.  Oops.  I guess love really is blind.  Speaking of which, I'm a little tired of people knocking the goddamn Rooney Rule.  By my count there are a goddamn SHITLOAD OF BLACK COACHES, because I was trying to find ASIAN COACHES.  I don't wanna hear another word about the Rooney Rule until we get some Cherokees up in this motherfucker!  Look at Ron Rivera on the end there, celebrating Cinco de Mayo all by his lonesome.  Where the fuck are all the Chicanos at?  Black coaches.  Sheeeeeeeiiiiiiiit.

17. Gary Kubiak, Houston Texans: Kubiak is just pumped to have Rob Chudzinski to do the Polish secret handshake with.  Munchak?  That's not Polish is it?  Anyway, Koob is just sitting back waiting to unleash his new punter and broken down safety on the world!  This is our year! He screams as the Colts crush everyone in the division.  If you have Matt Schaub, my friend, you have nothing.  Texans take a step back this year.

18. Doug Marrone, Buffalo Bills: I'm coming and Hell's rookie (INSERT: MATT BARKLEY OR GENO SMITH) is coming with me!  Is anyone afraid of the Bills?  They'll be fighting for the cellar of the AFC East against the Jets and the Jets SUCK.  It feels like the Bills have been in a constant state of rebuilding since Jim Kelly.  I have relatives in Western New York and I can say this without a shred of comedy: the snow belt alone is enough to make anyone want to die.  They don't need to suffer through endless seasons of the Bills being an afterthought as well.

19. Marc Trestman, Chicago Bears: The NFL's first lesbian coach.  I'm naturally predisposed to be suspicious of anyone with a C at the end of his name.  Trestman is a whole new thing in Chicago and we all may just love it.  What we won't love is how poorly Jay Cutler executes Trestman's schemes.  What I'm saying is this: Lovie gone?  Good move. Trestman in?  Great move.  Cutler on the team? You're treading water.  He drinks failure for breakfast.  Every day. If you could take the character, talent, leadership and ability of Aaron Rodgers and invert it?  You'd have Jay Cutler.  Fishneck is a cancer, intriguing French-Canadian or no.

20. David Caruso, CSI Miami: Oh, shit, I'm sorry.  That's Jason Garrett of the Dallas Cowboys, riding the Tony Sparano "my GM has castrated me in public" train.  Whatever.  There are only 32 of these jobs in the world and you do anything you have to to hold on to one.  Just ask Mike Mularkey or Hue Jackson who each got a WHOLE YEAR to turn a franchise around.  Jerrah wants to take away your play calling duties?  No problem.  Jerrah wants to not-too-secretly check the availability of Bill Cowher and Jon Gruden?  All in a days work.  It must suck for Garrett to have been the apple of Jerrah's eye just two years ago only to see how quickly the ice starts settling in.  Whatever.  JG is just happy he doesn't have to put up with the smell of Rob Ryan's balls on his hand towels this season.

21. Ron Rivera, Carolina Panthers: Talk about just happy to be here.  Ron Rivera is the captain of a sinking ship.  Every single free agent hire this offseason for the Panthers has been for one year.  Every one.  Kinda sorta seems like they're readying the decks for whatever the next coach wants to do.  Next year.  When Ron gets the boot.  Hopefully he'll get Cam whipped into shape.  You really can't argue with the 1.4 yards per carry they got out of De'Angelo and J Stew last year.  It's not like they paid those guys more money than Tom Brady or anything.

22. Chuck Pagano, Indianapolis Colts: The thought of Pagano striving to dance at his daughters' weddings is one of the great, heartwarming moments of last season.  But now the rubber meets the road for Pagano, who won't have BA to help him win games.  Pagano's defensive sensibilities should pay dividends as Andrew Luck brings the type of stability to the Colts on offense that Peyton did for years.  Remember when the Colts won the division for like a decade straight?  We're headed back there.

23. Jim Schwartz, Detroit Lions: 4-12 last season.  22-42 as coach of the Lions.  I like Jim Schwartz, but if you stepped back and tried to quickly brainstorm his impact on the Lions, you'd recall Handshakegate, throwing a red flag that cost his team a game and that under his watch Ndamukong Suh stepped on someone.  This is it for Schwartz.  There's more than enough talent on this team, and yes, it's a tough division, but at some point, when everything should be working better and isn't, you have to look at the guy calling the shots.

24. Jeff Fisher, St. Louis Boilermakers: Hi, I'm Jeff Fisher and I'm fucking hammered.  As much as we like the Head Rancher, he's the absolute poster child for also-rans.  He's lifetime 150-128-1 and 5-6 in the playoffs.  Every year, you know Fisher will field a solid, professional club, and you know he'll steal a few wins he shouldn't and botch a couple of gimmes.  But does anyone ever fear a Jeff Fisher-coached team? Has anyone ever said "whew, Jeff Fisher just won THE SHIT out of that game!"  It's not that there's anything all that wrong with the Head Rancher, it's that there isn't anything all that right with him either.

25. Tom Coughlin, New York Giants: Fuck it, I'm already in the Hall of Fame.  You can all kiss my shorts.  Anyone that knows Tom Coughlin knows that he's not going to take his foot off the pedal, but can he trust Eli any more?  That lazy arm syndrome looked like dead arm syndrome at times last year.  And with the departure of Osi and Chris Canty and the underperformance of JPP, you have to wonder if the offense is strong enough to bail out a declining defense.  I don't trust that backfield without Ahmad Bradshaw, either.

26. John Fox, Denver Broncos: Remember when John Fox was the Jeff Fisher of Carolina?  Then he ends up in Denver with a QB who can't actually throw and he works magic?  One year later, possibly the greatest NFL quarterback ever joins his team.  I'm not saying John Fox had nothing to do with his own recent success, I'm saying that he's seen his share of luck.  More than his share, actually. Still, the rotting stink of taking a knee in the playoffs last year is hanging on Fox like an old coat.  That might be the most acute symbol of his coaching career: let's not be too aggressive. Also, in general, I though John Fox was a stockier man.  He looks like he has the skeleton of a seventh grader in this photo.

27. Marvin Lewis, Cincinnati Bengals: I'm the only man who has figured out how to work with that fucking two-bit shitheel cheap douchebag Mike Brown!  Huzzah!  Marvin Lewis is that middle manager you work with who knows just enough to do his job but looks on the top members of his profession with a reverent awe, like "whoa!  how do they do that?"  Lewis gets a pass because he has the worst owner in the league, and gets credit because Mike Zimmer is three times the coach he is.  If Mike Zimmer was born with a single iota of filter or politic, he would have been coaching his own team five years ago.  As it is, he sits back and turns sub-average defenses into cohesive units for Marvin Lewis.  Did I mention that Mike Brown is a douche?  I think I did.

28. Rex Ryan, New York Pointless Bags of Shit: Oh Rex.  I've typed a lot of shit to get to you, amigo.  So, first of all, I love that you have a giant polo guy on your shirt and you're the only one wearing sneakers to a knife fight.  That's awesome.  I can't forget what a stupid tattoo you have under those khakis, but we all make mistakes.  Like drafting Mark Sanchez.  Or Vernon Gholston.  Or Kyle Wilson.  Or building your defense around Bart Scott.  Or thinking for one second that Darelle Revis would honor ANY contract.  Man, you've just had such a crazy, roller coaster ride of a wake-up call over the last few years, and when shit goes wrong we can always seem to count on you to fuck it up even more.  Because make no mistake about it: anyone else would have been on the street with your track record of misses.  You must have dirty pictures of Woody Johnson and a goat somewhere.  You know how sometimes, mountain climbers can't see the top of the mountain because it's in the clouds?  You can't see the top because you're not even on the right mountain, and you're wearing roller skates.  I know that you think that trying to imbue your teams with your ground & pound mentality is the right move, it's never actually worked.  And that league vanished with John Riggins.  God help you when Revis goes to Tampa Bay, sir.  God help you.

29. Everybody's Favorite Uncle, Atlants Falcons: Can I have a second ice cream cone Uncle Mike?  Yes!  Mike Smith has an unassailable record of nearly getting there.  That'll happen again this season.  I mean, I thought this team was fucking STOCKED last year and that's before they had Steven Jackson who is a MASSIVE upgrade from Michael Turner.  Tony G is coming back, Osi will be a situational rusher.  There's a little doubt about the defense, but Mike Nolan is as good as it gets.  Remember for fantasy that a Mike Nolan defense always starts slowly and picks up steam.  I finally believe in you. Matthew Ice! I believe!  Obviously, I'm kidding.  I do not believe in you, Matthew Ice.  I only believe that you can get close.  Same with Mike Smith.  Add as many first-ballot Hall of Famers as you like.  This is Marty Schottenheimer in San Diego.  14-2 and a first round departure from the playoffs.  Sorry, Falcons fans!

30. The Decider, Washington Redskins: For a team named after red skin, this is the least red photo of Mike Shanahan I've seen in the last five years.  Maybe the camera had a lobster filter.  In any case, Shanny looks like he's actually snickering like John Stewart doing George Bush.  Also, does Mike Shanahan realize that his decision to sit so open-legged is having a direct effect on John Fox having to be squished?  Does he know that choices have consequences, like, say, taking the young, hyper-athletic shining jewel of your franchise and sending him out to play on a field of olive-oil soaked linoleum only to watch his knee pop like a Chinese firework?  Consequences like that?  No?  I didn't think so.

NOT PICTURED:

31. Greg Brady, New Orleans Saints: Guess whooos noooot grounded anyyyyy mooooore?  Sean Payton is going to have the best season of his career as a coach.  That I'm sure of.  Imagine, wrong or right, that you were prevented from eating pizza for a year.  What would it look like when you came out of pizza jail?  Disgusting, that's what.  You'd be covered in red, dripping with toppings, stuffed and sick with enthusiasm run amuck.  That's how it's going to be for Sean Payton.  He's on a goddamn mission.  

32. The Hooded One, The New England Tom Bradys: Is this the year that Brady finally takes a step back?  No?  Okay, then this team will be really good again.  They return a cohesive, dominating O-Line and D-Line.  I'm guessing a motivated John Abrahan will join them at some point.  You have a huge improvement with Leon Washington on special teams and a three-headed backfield that is learning to be clutch. It might be as simple as wondering who gets hurt and whether Alfonzo Dennard will have a McCourty-like step back in his sophomore year.  If not, it'll be much tougher to throw in this Pats D.  Also, for those wondering about no Welkah?  Don't worry.  As soon as you see Amendola, you'll understand.  In Bill We Trust.

Aw, look at Jared Veldheer last year.

What a sweet kid.  He looks like someone who might work at an ice cream stand over summer vacation.

Except that he's a left tackle for the Raiders.

6'8" 321 pounds (though I'm guessing he's topped that number, because here's what he looks like now).

Whoa.

That's a big goddamn boy.

He still has kind of a young head, though, doesn't he?

For comparison, the dude next to him is 6'2", 250 lbs.

That means the dude on the far right pushing out his forearms and trying to look jacked is probably a MONSTER.

And he looks like a nipple compared to Jared Veldheer.

So....yeah.  Field Lord.

I can think of another name for him as well.

Here's the official retirement video from Anthony Adams, an NFL player you may never have heard of (unless you're a regular reader of this site, of course).

He sat out last season after being released by the Bears, but apparently he wanted to make sure he had his moment in the NFL retirement sun.

If you can call it that.

Anyway, he seems like a great dude who doesn't take himself too seriously and is -wisely- looking to set up his next gig.

We love people with a good sense of humor.

Atta boy, Spice.

Go get that TV job.