10 Things we learned on opening night of the 2012 NFL Season

#10: There is something called "Tapenade"

I laughed at this, I'll admit it.  Part of it may have been the fact that I'm a sucker for pretentious cuisine.  Actually, I had no idea what Tapenade is.  

Tapenade is an olive-based spread common in Mediterranean cuisine. The most traditional recipe involves only a few ingredients, including black olives, caper berries, olive oil, and anchovies that are mashed together into a thick paste.

There.  Saved you a google.

This is certainly a better ad than the Peyton one for the Buick Verano.  Hut Hut indeed.

Actually, the behind the scenes on this is much better than the actual commercial.

Except for the scene where the guy who's in charge of the commercial puts himself in it.  Holy shit do I hate that.  NOBODY CARES WHAT YOU THINK TWO-FACED, MARKETING PRICK.  Ugh.  Marketing people around the world do exactly two things:

1. Talk in circles
2. Try to get other people to do their work for them

That's it.  Trust me.  That's it.

But I keep seeing examples of marketing people putting themselves in front of the camera, desperate to be a modern Don Draper.  Here's the worst one in recent memory:

It was during the completely-fabricated Madden 13 launch, featuring paid athletes and celebrities surrounded by paid fans being paid to cheer for fake football.  Somewhere, George Orwell just won five bucks.

And then we get this dick answering questions about the scope of putting on this event.  Ohhhhh!  It must be sooooooooo fucking difficult to throw this whole thing together with only a FUCKING YEAR TO PLAN IT.  My god!  I don't know what's harder: ordering flag football gear on Amazon dot com or painting the Sistine Chapel.  They're both magnificent, if you believe this twat.

Bottom line: Marketing people.  Fucking GO AWAY.

#9: Peyton calls a man who isn't his father "Papa"

It's not that Peyton is a completely unscrupulous advertisement whore or anything, it's that you'd think his agent would draw the line somewhere.

I've long said that the Papa John's guy has the creepiest mouth on television, and I think now I've figured out why.  Because you never see his teeth.  His mouth never opens very wide and you never see his goddamn teeth.  That's my working hypothesis.

#8: The Dallas Defense has improved

We had to get to actual football at some point.  

There was one thing that stood out for me about the Cowboys defense and it was mostly because Cris Collinsworth had nothing else to talk about in this yawner, but the Dallas corners were sticky as fuck.

THAT is a big difference.  Guys were floating in the ether last year, giving huge pads and generally roaming through space like a sheep on mushrooms.

But not this year.  Brandon Carr looked every bit the 50 million dollar man, and Mo Clairborne is fo' realz.

#7: I still can't get over Marketing People putting themselves in spots

I know, I know.

Things like this tend to bother me more than other people.  After all, Tim O'Neill looks like a decent sort of fellow, and his ass-kissing face is among the best I've seen anywhere.  That's what he must have used to get Peyton Manning to say shit like "Call Papa Bear! HUT HUT!" in this idiotic ad.

At least he's not wearing sunglasses like that pusillanimous assface from Madden 13, Anthony Stevenson.

#6: Victor Cruz owners everywhere are like "it's no big deal" but really they're like "oh shiiiiiiit"

Victor Cruz didn't come cheap in auction drafts, I'll tell you that for sure.  I don't know what round he went in snake drafts, because snake drafts are for retards and seven year olds who say things like "Victor Cruz will never drop to me in the fifth!" and "There was a run on Tight Ends!"

A fucking RUN on tight ends?  Why put up with that, you dipshit?

Do an auction draft, where you have a legit shot at ANY PLAYER.  Why would you ever accept that because your useless, pathetic name was randomly drawn from a bucket six places after someone else you aren't allowed to have Arian Foster on your team?

What's wrong with you?  Seriously.

Three drops for Cruz last night on the biggest stage in the world.  In the words of Brandon Carr "you ain't gonna salsa tonight, bitch!"

And he didn't.

#5: Those running games were abysmal

Demarco Murray finished with a ton of yards, but they all came in the second half when the Giants D looked gassed.  Really, guys?  You're gassed after one half?

On the other side, Ahmad Bradshaw couldn't find room to run until after halftime either, but he finished with 70+ yards on the ground and a score.

I like Murray, but I'm steering clear of both of these teams in fantasy.

#4: The scabs didn't completely blow it, but the Giants D is finito

Though the head official accidentally did the Macarena last night, they didn't fuck up enough to cause an uproar.

Elsewhere on the field, a storm was brewing.  Maybe the biggest thing to come out of the game is that the Giants D didn't look like what we've come to expect from the Giants defense.

Namely: The Cowboys lose their starting center, bring in some dildo they signed last week and there's no fallout?

Now, Tony Romo's mobility may have helped, but that should have spelled defeat for the team from Dallas.

Instead, with Phil Costa wincing in pain on the sidelines, the Cowboys were able to out together not only an invigorated run game, but not give up any sacks as well.

#3: Jason Garrett finally got it

Is his hat ridiculously, Marvin-the-Martian big?  Yes.  Yes it is.

But last night Jason Garrett did something I haven't seen him do before: he figured out the flow of the game.  By scrapping the run early, he actually opened up the potential for the run later.  Some young coaches make the mistake of trying to impose their game plan on the other team, but the veteran coaches know to take what the game gives them.

Last night, Garrett took what little it did and the game ended up giving him a whole lot more.

#2: Tom Coughlin doesn't mind tunovers at all

I imagine this conversation went something like this:

COUGHLIN: Hey pally, don't beat yourself up about fumbling on 50% of your professional carries.  It's your first game and we love you very much.

DAVID WILSON: Thanks coach.  I'm sorry if I let you down.

COUGHLIN: You could never let me down.  I love fumbles.  Now have a seat and rest, you must be tired.

Wilson never played another snap.  Coughlin is only in his sixties, but his anger is thousands of years old.

#1: Jerry Jones is too rich to clean his own spectacles

Jerry Jones has a dude that sits behind him and wipes his goggles for him.

If I wasn't so amazed (and jealous) I'd probably have something funny to say about it.  If that doesn't illustrate the difference between the 99% and the 1%, I don't know what does.

I have the upturned south hem of my T-shirt to clean my glasses.

Jerry Jones has a human being.

God bless the NFL.