NFL Greats calling for Gregg Williams to be banned for life, bitten in the cock by a goat, sent to live in Haiti
With the outing of the Gregg Williams "hit him in the ACL" recording, many NFL heroes have voiced surprise and consternation about the practice of intentionally re-concussing your opponents, or as Williams termed it: "JahvidBesting someone".
But as more and more of the alumni speak out, proposes punishments tend to get harsher and harsher, until what we'll be looking at is a Hunger Games where Gregg Williams is the only contestant, and we'll slowly watch him starve to death.
"He should be banned for life." said several NFL players.
"He should be banned for life and have Jonathan Vilma stapled to him." said Viking Punter Chris Kluwe.
But the biggest attack came yesterday.
"I want to see him banned forever." said NFL Hall of Fame quarterback Fran Tarkenton. "And then I want him to be bit in the face by a snake and thrown into a wheat thresher."
"But before he's killed in a thresher he should be forced to fellate a dog. Then children should legally be able to throw darts at him in the street wherever he goes. Then he should have to live in Haiti for three years. And then we should throw him into a wheat thresher."
Critics of the plan were quick to point out that after living in Haiti for more than a few weeks, anyone would welcome death in a wheat thresher.
The only voice of reason came from former Williams felony-assault target Kurt Warner. In 2009, Williams allegedly passed out exacto knives and hand grenades to his defensive players and told them to annihilate Warner at all costs.
"If you're in a scrum and you can reach Warner, make sure to try to nick him in an artery with your blade." the coordinator was thought to have said. "If that fails, just put a hand grenade in his car."
Warner, a devout Christian (who, for some reason isn't sexy enough to host his own 15,000 follower sermon on the mount) called for restraint.
"I don't think Greg Williams is a bad guy." He said. "Did I have to spot-diffuse a few car bombs? You bet. But that was how football was played back then. Heck, half of the guys that retire from the NFL at the quarterback position go to ESPN. The other half join bomb squads. That's a positive thing. You really can't beat on-the-job-training."
But what punishment does Warner think Williams deserves?
"Not a wheat thresher, certainly." Said Warner. "I think you just lock him in a meat locker for about ten days and then send in a hungry wolf and a slab of meat. If he comes out alive? Then he gets his job back. Simple."
Warner is certainly not alone. A recent ESPN poll showed that a whopping 78% of people feel that Gregg Williams punishment should involve a wolf.
Where it goes from here is anyone's guess. But we can all sleep better knowing that Fran Tarkenton is able to dream up elaborate ways to humble and then eliminate someone. We're all that much safer for his bold effort.