Saints take out a hit on NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell

"We're already screwed." Said an unidentified Saints employee.  "What's one more bounty for old times sake?"

"No No!  Christ No!" said Saints Owner Tom Benson.  "Please!  No!  Christ!"

What do you say, Mickey Loomis?

I have zero idea how the contract to whack Roger Goodell came from the Saints.

Yeah, it actually came from your email address.

Mine?  Impossible.

I think the message read "Hey anyone that drives a Pinto into Roger Goodell will get four luxury box season tickets, forty thousand dollars and a bag full of Vicodin.  Regards, Mickey Loomis."

Must be another Mickey Loomis. 

In your office?

Yeah.

Come on.

Plus, I have no access to Vicodin.  That's a controlled substance.

You're shitting me, Mickey.  Come on.  Nobody reads this blog.  Level with me.

Okay fine, fuck it.  I sent it.

And?

And we're fucking pissed about it.  I was hanging out with Gregg Williams just last week, shooting canaries with a scatter gun and we were both like "This can't be real".

Canaries?  Seriously?

We don't like anything that sings.  You want to know why we all got caught lying?  Every one of us?

Yeah.

Because we're awesome, that's why.  We lied all the way up to me.  Trainers lied.  Coaches lied.  Ball boys lied.  I lied like fifty times.  Hell, my fucking caddy lied.  You know what that is?

What?

Organizational success.  We're all in this together.  And while the pussies at ESPN are going to clutch their pearls and say they're shocked that I lied, keep this in mind: I'm not a rat.  No one on my staff is a rat.  Everybody hates a rat, even more than they hate a liar.

Yeah, but bounties are wrong.

They are?  When?  In 2012 all of a sudden?  There are 32 NFL Teams and no less than 28 of them use bounties, even unofficially.  The fact that our bounty system was more organized is just a testament to the fact that we're a better organization.  Period.

I think you may be in denial a bit.

I think you may be.  You want me to side with the school principal over my guys?  Think about that.  I work every day with players and coaches.  I don't work with the League Office.  The League Office is like the cops.  You want me to side with the cops?

No I think the point is that you allowed your team to take part in something that was patently fucked up and you're couching that in a bullshit excuse that everyone does it.

Everyone does do it.

Well, not everyone is going to get screwed for it.  But you are.

Well, that's one thing we're probably in agreement about.

And what's with Gregg Williams, anyway?  Is he a fucking psychopath?

No!  He's like a mathematician.  The odds of winning are better if key players are taken out of the game. That's it.  Players get hurt all the time.  Gunning for guys has been around since the dawn of the NFL.  

Just like videotaping the signals of the other teams.

Right!  The Patriots got screwed for that one, but everyone does it.  We've all done it forever.  People are still doing it.  

Still?

If teams weren't still doing it, why does EVERY coach cover their mouth with a playsheet when they call a play?

Um....

Right.  

Wow.

We're going to get nailed for this, and probably the Redskins too.  But bounties aren't going away anytime soon.  As long as you have hitting, you're gonna have bounties.  Period.

Okay then.

Anything else?

Yeah, you saying Drew Brees is very good but not great a week ago has made it so nobody gives a shit about you anymore and now we don't care if the NFL strings you up like an animal because that was the douchiest thing anyone has said in years.

Eat my balls.