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Once suspended for an entire year, along with Detroit great Alex Karras, for gambling, Packers Hall of Famer Paul Hornung wants to see Saints defenders “kicked out” for their role in the bounty program.
READ MORE IN THIS MONTH'S AARP MAGAZINE UNDER "GRANDPA'S PISSED ABOUT HIS LONG BALLS"
"HEY Y'ALL! COME PLAY IN WESTERN NEW YORK! HOME OF THE GARBAGE PLATE! WHO WANTS IN ON LAST PLACE IN THE DIVISION FIVE YEARS IN A ROW?"
JOE PHILBIN: GOD I HOPE SO. THE ONLY REASON I WAS HIRED WAS TO BRING MATT FLYNN HERE. STEPHEN ROSS IS A MENTAL PATIENT.
I'D BE SURPRISED IF THE PATRIOTS USE EITHER 1ST ROUND DRAFT PICK ON AN ACTUAL HUMAN BEING.
THIS TIME, THOUGH, MARK SANCHEZ WILL BE UNDER STRICT ORDERS NOT TO HAVE SEX WITH THE RECEIVERS.
SO ENDS THE SHORT BUT IMPRESSIVE BALTIMORE COP SHOW "GRUBBS & YANDA"
IN RELATED NEWS, MIKE ZIMMER POLITELY ASKS "HOW MANY FUCKING GUYS DO I HAVE TO TURN INTO DEFENSIVE STUDS FOR YOU TO LET ME KEEP ONE?"
IF THEY DO, IT'LL BE A FUN GAME OF DROPSIES ALL SEASON LONG AGAINST REIGNING CHAMP GREG LITTLE.
Steelers assistant Kirby Wilson, severely burned in a January house fire, is expected to return to coaching this season after turning a corner in his recovery.
TURNING A CORNER BACKWARDS: THE STEELERS
Have the Texans been reported as a potential Peyton Manning destination only to drive up the price tag on the Broncos, Cardinals or Titans?
::BOB MCNAIR WINKS AT JERRY JONES AND GIGGLES::
THAT STREET WILL REVERT TO THE ORIGINAL NAME: "GRAB YOUR ANKLES ROAD"
AFLAC OFFERS A LUCRATIVE PAYOUT FOR "POCKET TERROR"
JIM IRSAY ONLY WISHES HE GOT THE CHANCE TO FIRE HIM, TOO.
WHERE THE FUCK IS RON DAYNE AT, ANYWAY?
More than $30 million under the salary cap, the Chiefs are expected to address a glaring need at offensive tackle in free agency.
LUCKILY, THE TEXANS ARE "GOING WITHOUT A LINE" THIS SEASON.
UNLIKE THE GOOD OL' AL DAVIS DAYS WHEN FOUTH TIER PLAYERS WERE DRAFTED IN THE FIRST ROUND.
The Chargers will be on the outside looking in at free agency’s biggest names this year.
BUT THEY LOOK SUPER-SMART FOR HAVING FORCED MARCUS MCNEIL AND VINCENT JACKSON TO STAY IN CHARGER JAIL FOR ONE POINTLESS SEASON.
WHICH IS TOO BAD, BECAUSE WE WERE ALL PRETTY PSYCHED TO SEE THOSE RESPECTED VETERANS BECOME INFANTILE DICKS.
KEVIN BOSS! WHERE YA BEEN DAWG? CHECK OUT OUR RINGS!
DREW ROSENHAUS CAN'T FUCKING WAIT TO GET PAID BACK FOR ALL THE CHEETO MONEY HE LOANED DJAX LAST YEAR.
INTERESTINGLY, MCQUISTAN STARTED HIS CAREER AS A COCK-BLOCKING JOURNEYMAN, BUT FOUND OUT THAT ZONE BLOCKING GAVE HIM LESS SHIT FROM HIS FRIENDS.
PHRASED SLIGHTLY DIFFERENTLY: WHY IS JAY CUTLER SUCH A DOUCHE?
BUT THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE MATT STAFFORD IS 80% BALSA WOOD.
"WHEN I WAS A KID, WE USED TO KICK JEWS IN THE STOMACH"
One AFC personnel director notes that the Vikings’ cupboard couldn’t be more bare at safety heading into free agency.
"HAVE OURS" SAID A PISSED-OFF MIKE ZIMMER, WHO STRANGELY REFUSES TO TAKE JOHNATHAN JOSEPH'S NUMBER OUT OF HIS 5 SPOT.
LIST ENDS UP INCLUDING MEGATRON, UNLIKE THE LAUGHABLE ONE OFFERED BY A CREEPY-SMILING CRIS CARTER LAST SEASON.
PANTHERS LOVE TO INVEST IN COPULATION.
THEY HAVE SOURED, HOWEVER, ON HIS RATHER LIBERAL USE OF AXE BODY SPRAY.
Cardinals officials insist their tight fit under the salary cap won’t prevent the necessary free-agent signings.
"WE'RE JUST THRILLED TO BE CALLED OFFICIALS" SAID THE DOPES IN THE CARDINALS ORGANIZATION.
After a flurry veteran cuts on Monday, Rams G.M. Les Snead vows to take an “active” and “aggressive” approach to free agency.
"I JUST OPENED MY THESAURUS TO 'A' AND STARTED RIFFING." SAID LES SNEAD.
Special teams ace Tarvares Gooden has opted to test free agency after turning down an offer from the 49ers.
THAT LEAVES KYLE WILLIAMS TO CARRY THE HEAVY BURDEN OF NINERS SPECIAL TEAMS PLAY ALL BY HIMSELF.
Are the Seahawks and Falcons the favorites to land free agency’s biggest defensive prize?
IF YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT WALTER PAYTON'S MEGA HOT DAUGHTER BRITTNEY, THE ANSWER IS A RESOUNDING "YES".