Ugly Fours Last Call: Week 17

Andrew Luck couldn't get out of the Fiesta Bowl quick enough on Monday night. After doing virtually everything he possibly could to put Stanford in a position to shut up the Cowboys, his 13 year old kicker muffed two successive easy field goals (not to mention one earlier in the evening), grasping defeat from the jaws of victory to close out regulation, and to finally lose - for real this time - in overtime. Unreal.

What's next for Mr. Luck? Fat mid-western girls, a team without a GM, a coach with no visible leadership skills or heartbeat of any kind and a quickly degrading roster of co-workers. That said, if they win three games next year, it'll be an improvement. The question is: will he be starting? What will the directionless Colts do with the king of Indy, Peyton Manning? Can you really keep Andrew Luck on the bench? This and more*, when we return in the off-season.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What We Know

The Green Bay Packers didn't miss a beat without resident ass-slayer Aaron Rodgers. In fact, his backup broke two long-standing single game team records. Against a "fired up" Lions defense. Uh huh. So does this reframe the MVP debate? Maybe. But what really matters is that the Packers seem to be in a very good place no matter who starts under center. The team is built for greatness, even if they have, statistically, the worst passing defense of all-time (a credit shared with none other than the AFC #1 seed, the New England White Guys). So they've got that going for them. If it comes down to a shoot out, they've got the big guns.

Without seeming redundant, I'll remind you that the gentlemen on the other side of that Mexican standoff will hail from Louisiana. With a marginally better defense, can they slow down the Packers? I don't think so.

The Steelers were screwed before. Old and injured. But, and I know the numbers don't really prove this out, they're in a world of hurt without Mendenhall. Those other horses are just ponies. Ponies, you hear me? Some people don't cheer for others to fail. I hope Genital Ben breaks both legs in a freak mouthguard incident.

This is what I know: it destroys me to say it, because a) I hate him and b) I like Mike Tomlin, but I really want to see Tim Tebow beat the Steelers and have to go to Baltimore. Ray Lewis will kill a man that day. If you believe in Jesus, the only son of God, tune in January 15th. Hope and faith will die in Baltimore, at the hands of the one of the more evil people the universe has ever known. Mark it down. I'm talking violence "The Wire" wouldn't dare put on TV.**

Megatron + playoffs = very, very scary. Don't count out the Lions for a first round upset over the Saints. If I'm Greggg Williams, I'm pretty terrified right now.

Julio Jones = X-factor. And not in the gay singing way.


What We Don't Know

A quick aside: I have a feeling we're going to be talking about "Andy Dalton to AJ Green" for a long, long time. It's too bad they play for Cincinnati.

Justin Tuck of the New York Giants called the Atlanta Falcons' offensive line a bunch of "dirtbags", a not so subtle reference to their allegedly dirty play. Good thing for Atlanta is, who gives a shit? I'm sure somewhere, somehow, Giants fans are pacing up and down stinky 3rd Avenue and beginning to talk themselves into a playoff run like 2007. Well you can forget it, you fucking inbreeds. Your offensive line is garbage, your quarterback still throws too many interceptions and your secondary is a sieve. Sure, you didn't quite back into the playoffs like some of these other pretenders, but everyone here knows you're going to quit on the old man before we get to Martin Luther King Jr. Day. What's that? You beat the Cowboys? Newsflash: the Ryan brothers are making a mockery of their dad's stellar reputation on a weekly basis. This modern Dallas squad is the Virginia Tech of the NFL: highly ranked, highly lauded, complete inability to come through in the clutch. That miraculous "Eli escapes the rush, Victor Cruz bomb" in the 4th? Remind you of something? There was more holding on that play than when I took my sixteen year old girlfriend's virginity, the love of my life who I'm pretty sure was cheating on me and had already fucked four other guys, but anyways, yeah, she was "finally ready to take the next step". Either way, it's a farce. Your luck's going to run out and, hopefully, in spectacular fashion. I'd LOVE to see you in coaching turmoil this off-season. So suck it.

Ever since "Homeland" ended, there's a hole in my heart like "LOST" used to leave when the season would end. Not quite so strong as "LOST", but damn. I can't wait for the rest of that show. Who's gonna take care of my needs? Will it be "Breaking Bad" on Netflix? Or new Netflix original "Lilyhammer" featuring the amazing Little Stevie? I just don't know.

What happens when the Dome-bred Saints run into a 49ers team that's rested and ready to knock your fucking teeth out? I don't know how else to say this, but the Saints are "prettier" than the Packers, all other factors aside. They're tough, but they're also built on timing and speed. So are the Packers, but they play in the cold every week. Tough one here. I think the Saints take it, but it'll be a fascinating game.***

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FINISHED
San Francisco
Pittsburgh
New England
New Orleans
Oakland
Dallas
Chicago
Houston
San Diego
Detroit
Atlanta
NY Giants
Tennessee
Carolina
Tampa Bay
Jacksonville (welcome to Los Angeles!)
Kansas City
Buffalo
St. Louis
Cleveland
Cincinnati
Baltimore
Washington
NY Jets
Minnesota
Denver
Seattle
Indianapolis
Philadelphia
Miami
Arizona

REMAINING
Green Bay
(same as last week)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FANTASY UPDATE
Yahoo: 3rd.
ESPN: massacred in the championship game. Didn't have Aaron Rodgers available, went with Matt Flynn. Huge day. Didn't matter. The rest of my team failed to show and my opponent had Brees, Colston and Rice, among others. A brutal finish.

So that's it. The regular season is over (too fast, once again), and wild card weekend is ahead of us. Two days, four games, madness. Good luck.

Oh, and one last note. I'm going to see "Joyful Noise" on opening night. Because why not?  It's everything I want in a bad movie. White guys just don't stumble on hot black chicks like that. For another example, see "The Sitter". My point exactly.


Kermit.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*Every second I'm not working, I'm thinking about what the Redskins are going to do in the draft. It may very well consume me. Do we give away the farm to get RG3? Is he worth it? I hate giving away tons of picks. It so rarely works out. But we desperately need a franchise QB. Can Russell Wilson of Wisconsin be our man? I like him more every game. We need a center and a big WR, too. But we do have Leonard Hankerson coming back next year. He could fill that role. Hank + Gaffney + Moss in the slot's a pretty decent three-some. Gonna go drink now.

**This reminds me. A fun personality test is to ask friends and family whether, given a situation where murder is the only option, whether they'd use a gun or knife. It says a lot about a person. A gun's just not very personal. Ray Lewis would choose box "C": bare hands. Will the fundamentalist right spontaneously combust if he rips open Tim Tebow's chest and drinks his blood? I can't wait to find out.

***Yes, I'm aware I'm looking ahead.